Tuesday, May 31, 2011


The world population is expected to hit 7 billion later this year. Quite frankly, that's just scary. That many people means far too few resources for the people of Earth, not to mention the Earth itself.

And so, I'm proposing a cull. It's time to shrink the human mass, and I think it's going to be pretty easy. All we need to do is get rid of the dead weight.

And so, in the interest of Negative Population Growth, I present for you now a list of the people I invite to find themselves another planet. This list isn't complete, but it's a start, so here we go:

  • Everyone who appears on, works on, or made money from 'Jersey Shore'
  • Come to think of it, everyone who lives at the Jersey shore
  • All wildlife poachers, smugglers, bushmeat eaters and rhino horn snorters
  • Rapists, pedophiles, and anyone who ever said “She was asking for it”
  • Linux users (sorry)
  • All failed U.S. presidential candidates
  • All failed 'American Idol' candidates
  • Birthers
  • All Tea Partiers who do not drink tea (iced tea and sweet tea don't count)
  • Anyone who believes that the moon landing was faked, the Earth is hollow, global warming is a fraud, or the Protocols of the Elders of Zion is real (look it up)
  • Counterfeiters, online pirates, Somali pirates, and pirate fetishists (I don't know for sure that that last group really exists, but I'm assuming they probably do)
  • All listeners of talk radio
  • (And let's include the talk show hosts while we're at it)
  • Fashionistas
  • Anyone who believes that alien shape-shifting reptile people live among us
  • Any alien shape-shifting reptile people living among us (just to be safe)
  • All kings, queens, dukes, viceroys and people named Earl (except James Earl Jones; he can stay)
  • Parents who teach their kids to be bullies
  • Bosses who teach their employees to be bullies
  • Bullies
  • Slave traders
  • Day traders
  • Critics
  • Haters
  • Litterers (slobs)
  • People who stick their used chewing gum under tables or on movie theater floors
  • Anti-abortion activists (we need less birthing, not more)
  • Randians (I mean, come on, is there a more ridiculous philosophy?)
  • Animal abusers
  • And finally...People who make lists about types of people who need to go

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